Let’s get statutory!

In For Your Eyes Only, 53 year old Bond almost gets it on with a seemingly underage figure skater. In his defense, he rebuffs her advances, but in my defense, gross. She’s played by the lovely Lynn Holly-Johnson. Any readers born before 1978 might remember her as the blind figure skater in Ice Castles. Any readers born after 1978 might remember her from this article right now.

But let’s get to the meat of the matter. If most people don’t think The Spy Who Loved Me is Moore’s best Bond film, then they certainly think it about this one. I understand why; it’s simpler, gritty, and after the bloated excess of the previous film, Moonraker, it’s a welcome and literal return to Earth. But I think the Roger Moore films work best when they’re a little ridiculous.

For Your Eyes Only has some great stuff, like a spiked-tire motorcycle ski chase and a thrilling rock climbing sequence at the end. Also, Topol, of Fiddler On The Roof fame, is a wonderful ally to Bond in this picture.

THE YEAR: 1981

THE VILLAIN: Julian Glover, the bad guy from Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade plays the Bond villain. But you’re not supposed to know he’s bad at first. Come to think of it, you’re not supposed to know he’s bad in Last Crusade either. Well I have no problem being the villain up front, I just spoiled two 30 year old movies for you. There’s also another Red Grant lookin’ henchman in this movie, bringing the total to five. There’s the original Red Grant, in From Russia With Love, the guy from You Only Live Twice, the guy from For Your Eyes Only (hair adjusted for inflation), the guy from The Living Daylights, and the guy from Tommorrow Never Dies. Bonus: this movie also has a Warren Zevon lookin’ dude.

THE GADGETS: Not a gadget heavy movie as they were going back to basics, but there is a really cool sequence where they use an Mi6 machine that is apparently really good at creating computer sketches of Warren Zevon lookin’ dudes.

THE PLOT: Everybody’s after a code breaking machine called the ATAC. See From Russia With Love where everybody’s after a code breaking machine called the Lektor.

THE GIRLS: Carole Bouquet plays Melina Havelock, a long haired, crossbow-sporting beauty seeking to revenge the death of her parents. She apparently had some sinus issues and couldn’t shoot in the water so they had to do her undersea closeups by filming slow motion in a studio and superimposing bubbles in post production. That sounds ridiculous but you’d never know how good it actually looks if someone real great like me didn’t tell you.

We’ve already covered the tawdry little ice skater so let me just mention the character of the Countess Lisl von Schlaf, which if my German isn’t too rusty, means ‘Countess Lisl of Sleep?’ She’s played by Pierce Brosnan’s late wife, Cassandra Harris. This is reportedly where the producers first became aware of Brosnan and packed him away in their minds like a secret little memory elf.

THE MUSIC: For Your Eyes Only performed by Sheena Easton. Bill Conti, of Rocky fame wrote the score. He brought yet another much not-needed disco vibe to a Bond film!

FACT/FUN FACT: One of the models in the swimming pool sequence was a man.

FACT/FUNNER FACT: (S)he’s more feminine than most of the actual ladies, try to spot her!