Last Brosnan!

We did it everyone. Look, I don’t hate these films as much as I don’t want you to think I don’t. Know what I mean? Neither don’t I, but if I had to give a real reason for disliking this era of the Bond franchise it would be that Goldeneye was the first 007 film with no possibility that producer Cubby Broccoli, title designer Maurice Binder, composer John Barry, and AMAZING production designer Ken Adam might return. It carried on in the same vein as the rest but was just missing too much of what made Bond Bond. That was a tough time for all of us, remember? Casino Royale had the benefit of following on the heels of these lesser Brosnans and starting fresh with a reboot.

But let’s not us fight. The opening sequence is really, really good and there’s a set piece where Bond drives a tank through St. Petersburg Russia that’s so fun I almost forget that I don’t like this film that much. Also, Judi Dench as M is just the best. I never knew I had a crush on all my older lady high school teachers until I saw this movie.

THE YEAR: 1995

THE MUSIC: Goldeneye performed by Tina Turner. I guess this is a pretty good Bond anthem, composed by Bono and The Edge, but I can’t help hearing ‘Did you ever know that you’re my hero’ from Wind Beneath My Wings in it. Also, have we ever, as a society, taken the time time to recognize what a ridiculous name ‘The Edge’ is? He seems like a nice guy. I can only hope he chose that as a teenager and just got stuck with it a la Barenaked Ladies. Come on The Edge, you can’t name yourself The Edge! And NO ONE else in the world is going to, Q.E.D., you can’t have a name called The Edge. Are you really the last human before there stops being humans? That’s what your dumb name implies. Well guess what? I just named myself The Other Side. See you on my nickname, dumb guy.

Goldeneye also boasts the worst score of any of the James Bond movies. It’s some sparsely weird techno thing that they had go back in and add the James Bond theme to. I’m mad at you euro-composer-guy whose name I don’t remember and neither does anyone else because you didn’t put in the James Bond theme!

THE GIRL: Izabella Scorupco. Best Bond girl with an unpronouncable name.

THE PLOT: I had to look this one up to remember what it was about and after I read it I still can’t remember. Something about a space laser and a lady that thigh-kills people. But I do remember Minnie Driver has a cameo in it just as you would expect.

THE GADGETS: Laser watch and exploding pen. Pretty standard, but all the better for it.

THE VILLAINS: Sean Bean is interesting as the traitorous 006, Alec Trevelyan. Famke Janssen is really fun as Xenia Onatopp, but that name is awful, even in a post-Pussy Galore, pre-Austin Powers world. The Character is ridiculous too, but Famke (I imagine we’re on a first name basis) plays it with such relish, it’s hard not to enjoy her. Thanks, Famke my friend/maybe more!

FACT/FUN FACT: Goldeneye is the second film not to have a Fleming book title. It is the name of his Jamaican estate where he would go to write and vacation from the London winters. • Did you have fun with that fact? Either way, I allowed for it in the subheading.

See you tomorrow, in a Brosnan-free future!